Periodically I get asked, “Why aren’t you married?” or “Why are you single?” Perhaps this is because I’m occasionally ditzy, so one might assume I’m not married because I just forgot. “Ohhhhh crap! I knew I ran to the store for something other than ice cream and Q-Tips!”
Do you want to know why I’m single? For realz? Well friends, allow me to give you a brief tour of the online dating scene.
Mr. T. This guy sounded promising – soccer player, cute picture, lover of sushi and other cultures. Then the first time we spoke, he tried to convince me to drive 2 hours so he could make me dinner. For our first date. On a weeknight.
I kept saying no and he couldn’t understand why. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “There’s just something about driving halfway across the state to hang out at the home of a guy I met online that just sounds like a made-for-TV horror flick waiting to happen.”
“Think I’m going to kill you?! If I wanted to kill you, I could do it anywhere!” Reassuring? Delete!
Daddy Tattoo. So I may want kids someday, but that day is not today. This guy had 2 lovely little girls – fine, whatever. Not fine? The life-size tattoos of their faces on his chest.
TMI. The site I use has a series of questions to find out pertinent info like how often you shower, how you feel about gay marriage, whether you would dump someone for wearing jean shorts. This guy’s questions were, frankly, terrifying. Call me a prude if you wish, but no, I don’t want to “date a married couple.” I’d rather not repeat the rest. Ewww.
goodfriend43. I got a message from this guy today that just said, “look sweet.” I imagine when this poetry escaped his lips, one hand was scratching his bare chest whilst the other cracked open a can of Natty Light. Mr. Friend is 43, from Indiana, and married. Despite the fact that his profile continually reiterates his desire for friendship, he still managed several lewd and even rated-R comments. Keep it classy, my friend. And no, I will not be your pen pal.
To be fair, of the guys I have actually met in person, they have all seemed very nice and respectably normal. Although my creep magnet is as strong as ever, at least my creepster radar is still functioning properly as well.
Ay, ay, ay. Happy almost-Friday!
La Vie Bobo 